One of my friends recently tweeted out an article on the Top 10 Reasons for Divorce. Yikes. She must have been having a tough day. I curiously clicked the link. Sometimes you find an oddball reason, like Facebook addiction, that leaves you with the hand on chin pondering emoji face. As I scanned the list, I noticed that several of the issues could come up during a major life event, like a move, or a big renovation. Both we are incredibly familiar with here on NixonPack.com. As Jon and I look to celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary tomorrow, I thought it might be helpful to share how we’ve navigated these obstacles that seem to come up on a yearly basis for us. After all, it’s been 11 years, 6 homes, 3 long distance moves, 5 dogs and 1 baby. By no means do we claim to have the perfect marriage, nor are we qualified marriage counselors. But heck, if any one of these #NixonPack nuggets helps you and your partner on your next house hassle, I’ll consider it a small win.

Hear them. Actually listen when they express their concerns about which size moving van is the best. Why that tile you have your heart set on isn’t going to work for the fireplace because it’s too many cuts. Why the garage should be organized before you get to re-do your home office. If your partner is anything like mine, they don’t ever want to deliberately disappoint you. They will do everything in their power to make you happy. So if they bring something up, it’s because it’s important to them. Let them know they are heard, and when you can, show them you’re listening, and you care, by forgoing that fabulous tile and waiting another month for the home office remodel.

Mentally switch shoes. Really, think about where their shoes have been over the last few hours, days, months. Jon is the work horse in our relationship as you may have figured out. He will work until he is bloody, bruised, mentally and physically spent and to the point of complete exhaustion. He will do all of this without ever complaining, or listing out what he has been working on. Understandably so, he becomes irritable at that breaking point. And 99.9% of my patience is used up on our sweet toddler so I have very little left to give. How do we power through? Switching shoes. He can’t imagine a day spent running after Grey, juggling work, cleaning, design meetings, commercials and having dinner ready on time. I can’t imagine hauling a 9 foot bookcase up two flights of stairs only to find out it doesn’t fit.

Real life example: We were in the process of selling our home in Chicago, buying one in New York, and planning for the big cross-country move. I was battling a severe bout of the stomach flu, caring for our baby, and wearing the Realtor hat dealing with both transactions. Jon took on the challenge of cleaning every square inch of the house top to bottom before each showing, then getting all five dogs out the door and sitting with them in the car for an hour every time. He was beat down and irritable and we had a few, let’s say, “quarrels”. (By the way, that’s just a tiny piece of what he was doing but it would take up the entire blog to list it all). It seemed as if every time there was a showing and the couple didn’t make an offer, we would get in an argument. It wasn’t his fault or mine that they weren’t interested, but we both had done so much work leading up to it, there was so much pressure on it, and we couldn’t understand why it wasn’t selling. The blame game was in full force. S T O P. When I removed myself from the situation, took a few minutes to clear my mind, and reversed the roles, it ended. I had empathy. I imagined his aching feet and his broken back. He literally was doubled over from his efforts. How could I argue with this human who was doing so much for us? (PS. During that flu outbreak, Jon had to physically carry me to the car to sit with the hyenas dogs, and showed the house himself, opening the door in a full blown sweat holding our naked son).

Help out, or don’t. This one’s a little tricky. Do you remember the Jennifer Aniston movie The Break Up? I quote it at least once a week. “I want you to WANT to do the dishes!”. When we first moved in, I went on an ordering spree. This house needed everything. I was giddy with excitement as the UPS man dropped package after package on our porch. I tore through them, finding a new home for the item, then carelessly discarding the box and all the tiny packing popcorn in the garage for Jon to deal with. In my mind it was simple, both the garage, and the garbage, were his domain. It took about two months of that for him to revolt. But wasn’t he lucky that I was the one spending hours and hours finding these glorious home goods for such great deals? Did he think the home design fairy just took care of it all? No. He was right. I had the glamorous and fulfilling part and he was the sole member of the cleanup crew. I spent the entirety of Grey’s nap time (mamas you know how precious those two hours are) one day assisting with the garbage. He had such a method to it that really, I ended up just being there for morale. But Jon didn’t care. In his eyes, I was helping. Because I was understanding his part of it, and boy does that make a difference. At the end of the day, everyone has a need to feel appreciated. Make it your job to do just that, especially for the little things.

An attitude of gratitude goes a long way. And you promised to love this person for better or for worse. I can assure you that when you’re knee deep in a major home improvement overhaul, or selling the biggest investment of your life – that falls under the definition of “worse”. That’s when you dig deep and give all you have, because you both deserve it. It only gets easier, we promise. Lastly, remember the Snickers commercial and don’t let yourself get hangry. Bad, bad things happen with hanger.